I’m not sure if I’m 100% comfortable writing this! But I didn’t start this 40 days of writing challenge to write about topics that I am comfortable with. I hope I don’t offend either side of the sexes for writing this, and I hope you can read this with an open mind. For one it’s not a topic I want to say I’m completely comfortable with admitting, but what I will say is I do like to people watch. I like to look at the different relationships between people, between societies but especially the relationship between men and women.
This topic will stretch on for millions and millions of years to come, and I’m pretty sure Eve in her loincloth bitched to Evelyn over at cave number 15 about the condition Adam left the bog hole after dinner the previous evening, and how she wishes he was eaten by the nearest Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Lets face it; we think we know a man, how his mind works, what he likes and if in fact he really loves us. But there is always that intrinsic ability in a woman that thinks too much, that analyses everything. We pick apart every conversation, every text message, every single response our man gives us to our endless questions. We file it, we store it away, and quicker than you can make it down to Brown Thomas for the sales, we pull it from our memory and catch him out on a lie or a discrepancy. And when we find out that he did in fact lie, we are completely overcome by shock. Like we didn’t ask for it. What we don’t seem to realise is, us women have a tendency to make men lie.
Ok…ok. Don’t bash me over the head with your cavewoman club or your Michael Kors handbag just yet! Lets put the theory out there on the table. Men love to lie; but they are terrible at it. They love to lie to each other about everything – how many women they’ve slept with, how well endowed they are (cavemen trait) and also how much he can bench press. Women, on the other hand, don’t lie that often but when we do we are extremely good at it. We are also extremely talented at the art of manipulation. And when we do this, we can get away with pretty much anything.
Men who are dating or who are in a relationship have a certain pressure on them. Part of the reason they lie is; because they have to.
Exhibit A: You are shopping with your girlfriend. An attractive woman walks towards you on the street. From the corner of your eye you can see your girlfriends head turn slowly towards you. You can almost feel her eyes burning into the side of your head as she waits like a wild animal ready to pounce, observing what you do next. You know what you should do, but you can’t decide what, and you start to sweat. Your girlfriend, of course, is so happy that you said the supermodel that just passed you is some wart-ridden, wicked witch with cellulite. Your girlfriend wants you to say that she is the more beautiful one, even though you both know she has put on a few pounds since Christmas. You walk hand in hand into the sunshine completely aware of the lies that both of you have just committed and you smile blissfully at one another!
It isn’t entirely mens fault. They are raised to lie from the moment they are born. They lie about the moment they really wanted to cry over that scene in the movie Rocky. They lie about their age to buy alcohol from the off-licence. They lie about how they really love that dress on you, even though they hate it, but they do it anyway because they know you love it.
Not all men lie of course. But from my experience, the only men that don’t lie are either gay, or have had their tongues removed.
So, just to balance the scales, lets turn the tables for a moment. I’ve given men a bit of a bashing here but really, we know they lie just to protect their ego most of the time. Women, on the other hand, have ulterior motives. She-devils.
Exhibit A: Your boyfriend decides to watch the game over at his friends place, he ends up in the niteclub, and pictures end up on Facebook of his ‘boys on the town’ antics. He lies about it and says he was at his friends all night. A woman can do one of two things here. She can break up with you over it, or she can use this evidence for all future arguments, or blackmail, as she sees fit, for as long as she so wishes. What your boyfriend doesn’t know is, your friends came over and a few glasses of wine led to a taxi into town later that same night. At least you weren’t stupid enough to be photographed, and thats plenty reason for you.
Exhibit B: Your boyfriend calls you, he sounds a little too upbeat for your liking and you just know whats coming next. So you say that you’d like to go out for dinner with him tonight, you hear him take a deep breath as he says that he wanted to make plans with the lads tonight because there’s a UFC fight they want to watch on t.v, and then he says it – “You don’t mind do you?”. There’s a long, uncomfortable pause and you abruptly reply with the deal-breaker, the dreaded word no man should ever hear – “Fine”. He spends the night feeling bad about it and sending you text messages about how sorry he is, that he will make it up to you. You spend the night sniggering into your wine glass while you catch up on missed episodes of House Of Cards. You never wanted to go to dinner in the first place. You just wanted to make him feel bad about it. But he doesn’t need to know that, does he?
Exhibit C: The Reversal: This is a predicament no man wants to find himself in. What are the odds of getting out of this one, lads I hear you say? Pretty slim.
You and your girlfriend are sitting comfortably on the couch. You won’t even see this one coming. Trust me. It ranges from the mild to the severe, nevertheless, the results are impressive almost every single time that it’s used. The examples range from using it to get a holiday, that gorgeous new handbag she saw in the window of Gucci, or, at the severe end of the scale; the moving-in-together card or the marriage proposal. There is nothing that works better than playing the “feelings” card when it comes to men. As soon as he even hears the word, he will do everything in his power to get the conversation swiftly over and done with. Especially if a woman uses her convenient weapons of choice; blackmail and manipulation. Either that or the continuous bombardment of questions, that will have your head in such a spin that, god love you, you will just keep saying yes.
You see, women know two things about men;
- Men cannot deal with a woman who is angry.
- Men are helpless 🙂
That’s biased you say?! True!
Just take this with a pinch of salt, it’s just some funny musings over my observations of this very intricate topic. What I seem to find is, women don’t like lying; they do it out of necessity. Men need a little gentle nudge in the right direction sometimes. How else would we get a caveman to settle down? Men also lie; it gives them a validation of their habits and adds to their illusion of grandeur about themselves.
Will anything change? No. Will men ever graduate to the level of lying like women? Absolutely not, its too much work for them. Should you take any part of what I just wrote seriously? Definitely not, it’s just tongue-in-cheek fun.
I thinks it’s healthy to watch and observe the relationships we have with others, and not just the romantic ones. I think it’s important to not get caught up in a relationship, however, where blackmail and emotions are played with on a regular basis. We are all human and we all might be guilty of trying to play the odds in our favour, but it’s important to protect yourself as well. As for me, I’m off down to Evelyn at cave number 15 for a bitch and a rant.